When working with my clients invariably there’s a session or more devoted to managing difficult conversations. These are the discussions that are postponed or avoided altogether or they occur with anxiety, defensiveness, hurt or verbal aggression. If handled poorly, both parties leave the conversation beat down.
Here are some examples of tough conversations calling to be had. Any of these sound familiar?
1. Joe needs to confront a supervisee on a performance issue that has not been addressed before.
2. Mary’s mother just moved in with her and is driving her nuts.
3. Rashida is feeling like her supervisor doesn’t trust her to make her own decisions regarding her team.
4. Tom learns that his colleague at work has been making snide remarks about Tom behind his back.
I could provide plenty more examples and so could you. What all of these scenarios have in common is that they are begging for a conversation to be initiated with the goal of resolving the issue.
Think of a tough conversation that you have been avoiding. What’s holding you back? What are possible outcomes from this conversation? What are you most afraid of in moving foward in this discussion?
I know for myself, I dislike conflict. I strive for harmonious relationships where everyone is happy. From doing my “inner work” I have gotten a lot better at tackling tough conversations that need to happen personally and professionally. Here are some tips to help you master the tough conversation.
1. If you are in a leadership position, ask yourself “what’s best for the organization?” Recognize your responsibility as a steward for your company. It’s not about you; rather, you are holding the organization’s values, ethics, mission and best interests. Keeping this in mind can help provide you the motivation to initiate a tough conversation.
2. Get clear on the issue. What’s really going on? What’s at stake here? How does it impact you and others? What evidence do you have regarding the issue? Be prepared to share a specific example regarding your concern. Without clarity, the discussion can easily get off track and not get resolved.
3. Listen fully to the other person. Be completely present in the conversation. This means not thinking ahead about your next comment or retort. This means asking non-judging, clarifying questions to make sure you truly understand what the other person is saying. Repeat back your understanding so your partner knows you get their perspective and so they feel acknowledged.
4. Show that you want to resolve the issue. This includes admitting your own contribution to the problem. This also means showing up with compassion for the other person and yourself.
5. Make a plan to move foward. Discuss what is needed for resolution. What will each of your do differently to resolve the issue?
Mastering tough conversations takes courage, practice, preparation and a willingness to learn. The payoff is in improved relationships, increased worker performance, and improved results.
If you are interested in more depth around this topic I highly recommend the book “Fierce Conversations” by Susan Scott.